


No Memories of Us

by AnarchistBeauty



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-08 11:39:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8843299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnarchistBeauty/pseuds/AnarchistBeauty
Summary: Caity Simpson wakes up in the hospital with no memory of what put her there or the last year or so of her life. Including forgetting her fiance, Juice.





	1. Waking Up

**Author's Note:**

> This started as an (already posted) one shot, but I expanded it into a multi-chapter story.

"How are you feeling Miss Simpson?"

I felt groggy, disoriented, and my body felt like I had been hit by a truck. Yet nothing in that or the question helped me to understand what had happened to me. Why couldn't I remember anything and most importantly, where was I?

"What happened?" I managed to croak out. My voice was as scratchy as my body felt. I opened my eyes and looked around, realizing I was in a hospital room, hooked up to a heart monitor with an IV needle stuck in my arm and all. I tried to sit up but searing pain shot through my body and I gave up, laying back down and opting to try to use my eyes to see as far as I could without moving.

It definitely looked like I had gotten hit by a truck. My arms were cut, scraped, and still caked in dried blood in some spots. My legs were hidden underneath a thin sheet but they felt the same way and when I tried to move them I found the right one encased in a light cast. My back was sore, my shoulders ached, and I had a headache that felt like it was getting stronger by the second.

"You were attacked a few days ago." the nurse replied. "You and two other women came in the same time, your injuries were far more extensive than the others though. They both said you tried to protect them."

At least I sounded like the hero of this story, even if I couldn't remember anything that had happened. I was afraid to mention anything about the memory loss but I figured keeping quiet about it might be the worst possible option, so I called the nurse over to me and I explained to her that I was worried because of not being able to remember anything.

She launched into the basic questions you'd ask someone after a seizure: what my name was, the city I grew up in, my parents names, my pet's name. The only problem came when she started asking me more recent questions like where I was, the kind of cell phone I had, and where I worked. I couldn't answer any of those questions and after a quick prodding on my head she determined that I was experiencing minor amnesia due to the head trauma I had sustained in the attack. In layman's terms I was stupid because I got hit in the head.

It was lovely. Not only did I get attacked and beaten but now I couldn't even remember who knows how much of my life because of it. I was hoping it was only a temporary memory loss but when the real doctor came in to examine me he said some cases of amnesia are permanent and to help determine how damaged my brain and memory were I'd have to be sent to get a brain scan and even then it wasn't a given whether my memory would come back or not.

The only truly disturbing part of the memory loss was when some strange man walked into my room that evening. He looked over the moon happy to see me awake but when he tried to grab my hand I pulled it away from him, looking at him like he was lost and definitely in the wrong place.

"Who are you?" I asked, looking over him with mild fear and slight attraction. He was a good-looking guy, all doe-eyed and tan skinned. The fauxhawk was a little childish but it was balanced out with the scalp tattoos he had and the smile he had one when he walked into the room was definitely a beautiful sight. But none of that made me any more comfortable with having a man I didn't recognize in my room trying to touch me.

The nurse came over and must have whispered in his ear about my memory loss and the sadness that dropped over his face was almost instantaneous. "You don't remember me at all?" he asked quietly as the nurse left the room, saying she'd be just outside if I needed anything. I confirmed and he rubbed his scalp, looking like he hated himself. I asked him who he was to me and he just laughed without humor and leaned against my hospital bed. "I'm your fiance."


	2. Explanations

My eyes bulged out of my head. Fiance? I was engaged to this man? That was one thing I could't grasp at this moment, memory loss or not how the hell could I forget I had a fiance? How could I forget a man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me? Of all the things that sucked about memory loss this had to be at the top of the list.

He grabbed the visitors chair from the corner and dragged it over to the side of my bed and sat down, he almost went to grab my hand again but he thought better of it and just rested his on his knees.

"Well, first," he began. "My name is Juan Carlos, but you met me about a year ago as Juice."

I was worried already. I had only known this man for a year and we were engaged? That was very far from my wheelhouse of normal. I could remember a relationship I had that lasted for years and ended because he had proposed to me. But now I was engaged to a man I hadn't even been with for a year? Something really major must have happened to me over the past year to get this kind of a change out of me. Either that or he was just that good in bed, I didn't know.

"I'm in a motorcycle club," he continued. "The Sons of Anarchy, we kind of met because of that because your cousin is one of the girls who works for us. Hanna?"

Hanna Simpson. That name I remember. Her and I grew up together in Oregon, she was the sexually progressive teenager who constantly said she was going to quit school and become a stripper and I was the goody two shoes nerd who never so much as kissed a boy without confessing to my mom what happened. After high school she eventually left town and moved to California, I remember hearing about her only once since she left: from her mother complaining that she had actually gone to become a 'prostitute' at some club.

I guess that club had been the Sons of Anarchy if Juice knew her and said she worked for them. A club member who also employed the use of prostitutes or the like, definitely another mark under the "not my type" column. Yet even with all this I still couldn't recall ever coming to visit her, so my memory wipe back over a year. That was probably something else to be extremely concerned over, my pile of concerns was growing by the minute and I was afraid to find out what else I had forgotten.

"You had come to visit her for a birthday surprise after her boyfriend got a hold of you and invited you down. You were her favorite person to talk about and she always took any opportunity she could to talk about how amazing you were, even if you were a goody two shoes." He smiled to himself a little and I got the impression that he had started to fall for me long before we had even met. It kind of made me a uncomfortable, but he continued before even noticing the discomfort in my expression. "You came to town and Jax, our club president, offered you a dorm room at our clubhouse for as long as you wanted to stay. At first you argued but since it was cheaper than a hotel room and better than sleeping on Hanna and Montez's couch you agreed. That's where we officially met." A more gleeful smile graced his lips this time and now it was a little easier for me to see how I could have fallen in love with him.

He wasn't a completely terrible looking guy, he was actually pretty cute. He didn't really look like the biker gang type of guy either, I was picturing heavier tattoos, face scars, maybe a beard and an alcohol problem. Certainly not some doe eyed darling with the smile of an angel and a peach fuzz fauxhawk.

"I was a bit of a bumbling idiot and you like to tease me and watch me squirm." That kind of made me sound like a complete asshole yet he still had a small spread across his face. "The first thing you ever said to me was a tease about my name." he laughed a little. "Jax introduced us and all you had to say was 'juice is a drink, not a name'. But you smiled at me and I think from that moment on I was a goner."

It was pretty cute to watch him talk about us meeting, even if it did sound like someone else's love story. I felt no personal connection with the woman he knew as me but I liked watching him smile every time he talked about something I did or said that made him fall for me even more. But now the next thing on my list of things to figure out was exactly what the hell had put me in the hospital and I had he horrible suspicion that it was Juice's so called motorcycle club that was the root of it.


	3. It's All My Fault

"Not to be a buzzkill here," I said after he paused. "But can we get to the part where you tell me what happened to me?"

His face immediately dropped, along with his shoulders and he let out a long sigh. I knew my suspicions were right and he confirmed it after rubbing his hands down his face and looking up again. "It's because of me." he said. The look that crossed his face now was one that said he'd never forgive himself for what happened, he also looked like he wasn't going to blame me if I told him to leave and not come back at the end of this tale.

It was a hard thing to think of now that I had watched him gush about the love we shared. It was going to be hard to watch him destroy all that with telling me exactly how it was his fault that me, and two other women, were beaten and put in the hospital. He didn't look like he was going to continue until I collected myself though, so I stowed all my other thoughts and told him to continue, adding in a 'please' for politeness.

"The Sons, we're not exactly the cute and cuddly type you bring home to mom." he continued, making me stiffle a small laugh because so far Juice had been the exact kind of guy I would have brought home to my mother. "We're into some shit that's... Less than legal and we've got some pretty bad enemies all over. For some retaliation over a deal going south because of us backing out some guys from another club attacked a few of our Old Ladies."

A club that referred to their wives and serious girlfriends as Old Ladies, that was a mark for the "concerned" column but the way he said it, with love and respect, was something I hadn't expected. I had heard stories of biker gangs calling their wives Old Ladies because they were basically seen as property, trophy wives to keep them in good standing with someone or other. I guess these guys really did love their Old Ladies, which I could only assume was true since I was roped into that category being Juice's fiance and all.

"You, Jax's wife Tara Knowles, and Tig's girlfriend Venus were all hurt. You guys were all at the clubhouse, having a girls night. Fruity drinks and annoying gossip that no one else wanted to listen to. You're the only one that really suffered any big damage though, with the head trauma and broken leg." He looked up at my blanket covered legs and shook his head. "Tara says you were thrown against the pool table for trying to get Venus out of the way and then hit with a baseball bat for trying to protect her. The doctors said it's a miracle you're alive."

The look on his face said it all: he hated himself. I hated him in that moment. I even hated myself for staying with him even though I had to have known what kind of messes the club got into. Did I know those risks and still stayed? Did I know that throwing in the with Sons of Anarchy might get me beaten nearly to death? Was I warned about any of this when I decided to stick around with this club and these men?

I really couldn't picture myself knowing all this and still staying around. All I could feel now was rage, at myself, at Juice, and especially at the Sons of Anarchy. But all I had here was Juice so I fully took out all my anger on him and just watched as he accepted it all. I demanded to know how he could rope me into this kind of life. To stand idly by while I basically signed my own death warrant by throwing in with his criminal club. Demanding to know what kind of shit went on for me to stay or feel like I had to stay, for me to have fallen in love with a man who just admitted to being a criminal. Not just a criminal, but the kind of criminal that got innocent women beat down for things that didn't concern them at all.

I was truly starting to feel like this head trauma started long before I had ever been hit because there is no way in hell a sane woman could look at all this and still stay. The thought of telling Juice to go away and never come back for me was very, very appealing but before the words could cross my lips something else cropped up in my mind. The only other thing I could think of that might make me stay with him.

"Am I pregnant?" I demanded, looking down to my stomach and running my hands across it. Trying to feel for a baby bump or some sign that one was coming. He leaned back, shocked and confused, and asked what I was talking about. "Is that why I'm still here? Why I stayed with a bunch of criminals? Am I pregnant?"

One ultrasound and blood test later it was determined that I was, in fact, not pregnant. I was relieved and after that I told Juice he should probably leave. He left gracefully but once he was gone I told the nurses helping me that I didn't want him back in here, I couldn't deal with anything more from him for a long while. Plus I needed the time alone to sort through myself and all the things Juice had told me.

After deciding that I was insane for staying with him I made a promise to myself that once I was released I was going to leave. I couldn't stay around this club or this town knowing that one or the other almost got me killed. I was going to pack up my things from wherever they may be, make sure Juice got his engagement ring back, and suck up my pride before going home and begging my mother for sanctuary. This life here was no way for a woman to live and I was going to leave before it truly did kill me.


	4. Going Home

Leaving Charming was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Not because of me regaining my memories, which didn't happen, but because of everyone I had known trying to talk me out of it. Saying I was making a mistake in leaving, that my memories might come back quicker if I stayed, and one woman in particular trying to intimidate me into staying. It was all ridiculous and overwhelming and made me want to leave all the faster.

"Just leave her alone!" Juice finally shouted at everyone, who was discussing ways to convince me to stay while I was in mine and Juice's "dorm room" packing up my things. "She doesn't have to do anything you people want her to do. She doesn't have to stay here and for you guys to try and completely control her life like this is probably just making her want to leave even quicker!

"Can you stop being selfish for two minutes and think about her and how she's feeling right now? Lost in a sea of people she can't remember and doesn't recognize, in an unfamiliar town, engaged to a man in a criminal biker club, and on top of all that being harassed by the other members and practically bullied into staying?" There was a long pause as everyone soaked up Juice's wise words and I was suddenly so thankful that I woke up engaged to him and not one of the other people around here trying to convince me to stay. "If anyone should be trying to convince her to stay it's me." He continued. "But I'm not, because I see the fear and confusion in her eyes when she walks through this place. I recognize the need to flee and run to safety, and if you assholes ever truly cared about Caity you'd support her and make this as easy as possible on her."

With everything that had went on I would think that Juice would be the strongest fighter for me to stay, as he said he had plenty of reasons to, but instead he was the biggest supporter of me doing what I thought was best even if that was leaving him and this town. He teared up a little when I gave his diamond ring back, telling him to save it for a girl who could look at the life he lived and come to terms with it all. Maybe at one point that had been me, but I couldn't see myself here anymore. He was respectful though, accepted it back graciously and added that I was the only woman that ring would ever be owned by.

He also helped me pack up, sorted out our clothes, and we discussed the various knick-knacks we had collected over my time living with him. In the end I still only had two suitcases of stuff to carry home with me. One full of my clothes and the other mostly knick-knacks and books. It was kind of sad to think that my entire life here could fit into two bags but most of it was because I wasn't lugging home all the bedding or furniture that you usually expect to pack up with you when you move. I didn't need any of that back at my mom's place though so Juice kept it all.

The last awkward moment was the hour and a half drive from Charming to the Oakland Airport. It was mostly silent because neither Juice or I had any idea of what could possibly be said right now. I imagine it was extremely hard for him to have to be the one who took his fiance to the airport so she could leave him and not look back, but he offered to do it. Probably to keep the nay-sayers from convincing me to stay, or locking me in a closet. I still felt bad though, felt sorry for him almost.

"I'm sorry you had to be the one to do this." I said as we passed into Oakland.

"Would you rather be stuck with someone who spent the whole trip trying to convince you to stay?" he questioned. One look at me and the smile dropped off his face and he sighed a little. "It's not so bad." he admitted. "After all aren't couples supposed to support each others choices no matter what?"

It kind of amused me how he still referred to the relationship we once shared in the present tense. Even I found myself referring to him as my fiance in my head and silently wondered how long that would continue once I got back to Oregon and firmly away from Charming and the Sons. I had a feeling Juice would never stop referring to me as his but it was hard to tell when I would snap out of it and stop calling him my fiance.

"Thank-you." was the last thing I said to him before the rest of the ride was silent.

He went back to focusing on driving and I was lost in the sea of my mind, wondering and worrying about what my life would become now. Whether or not my friends back in Oregon would accept me back easily, wondering if I had even spent any time of the last few years trying to keep in touch with them or not, and mostly worrying about how much my mom would get on me about the memory loss.

It was pretty much the only thing I thought of during the hour and half flight up to Eugene, too. Looking around at the strangers on this flight and wondering how they would handle losing the last two years or so of their memory. Would nothing change? Would everything change? Would they forget their loved ones and partner, too? Did they possibly have children that would be wiped from their minds? Would they forget a major family death and have to relive that sadness all over again?

The more I thought about the loses other people might have to go through if they were in my situation the less worried I was with my own predicament. At least I wasn't forced to forget a child or anything equally important. I had forgotten my fiance and I think that was bad enough but I couldn't imagine the pain I'd have to go through if we had a child. My current pain was overwhelming enough and I just hoped that finally being home in a familiar setting and house would comfort me.


	5. A Memory Returned

Being home was just as foreign and strange as being in Charming. Some things still felt the same and I felt more at ease here than I did in Charming, but it was still hard. There had still been too many changes to count around town, and my mom's house, that I ended up feeling just as lost as I had been in charming. As a result of all that I ended up spending most of my time in my room, looking at articles online and trying desperately to remember anything that happened over the past year.

That started to hurt more and more as I was mostly searching for news from Charming. Especially ones that had to do with the Sons of Anarchy. I found all kinds of articles about both. Some good, like pieces about charity work the club had done, some bad, like suspicious behavior and criminal activity in town that could be linked back to the Sons. Most were neutral and monotone sounding though, just basic pieces on the Sons involvement in the annual summer carnival that went on to raise money for the school, a piece about the Teller-Morrow automotive shop being the most trusted mechanics in the town despite being owned and operated by the club, and even a few engagement announcements from people.

Which lead me to finding the announcement of my engagement to Juice. I finally had a date to go along with the ring and found out he proposed to me on the Fourth of July under the shower of fireworks.

"Local sweethearts Juan Carlos "Juice" Ortiz and Caitlyn Denise Simpson got engaged this past weekend at the Fourth of July celebration at City Park. The couple had been together for nine months prior to their engagement and anyone who's ever seen them together could tell you that this moment was a long time coming."

Underneath the little blurb was an engagement photo of Juice an I kissing, with my left hand on his cheek to display the diamond ring gracing my finger.

The more I stared at the words and picture the more I hated myself for not being able to remember anything. Which made me hate the people who did this to me even more. Who were they to be able to come into my life and destroy it in such a way that I couldn't remember what looked like the most amazing year of my life? That brought to light another question: who was I to completely blame Juice or SAMCRO for the actions of other people?

It's not like the club could have ever known something like this would happen. There's no way to predict what other people are going to do or who they're going to do it to. So all this hatred and distaste I had been harboring for the Sons was useless, especially for Juice. He could have never predicted that people would come and attack the woman he loved. It was also wrong to blame him since he was hurting just as bad over losing the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

It was all too much for me to handle in that moment and all I could do was cry. My mom found me bent over my desk, tears streaming down my face and puddling up on my laptop a little while later. She was worried that I was in physical pain from the attack or head trauma, but this was worse. There was no pill for a pain of the emotions and it took me longer than necessary to try to explain to her what caused me to cry in the first place.

From then on she always asked how my heart was doing when I looked particularly sad and I appreciated the extra support, but after two months back home I still didn't know what to do with myself. I was alone, I was lonely, and worst of all the amnesia seemed to be permanent and my doctors here in Eugene said the same when I went in for another check up. I tried not to give up hope on it but wishing for the best didn't seem to be doing the job.

I had even tried other means of opening myself up to the healing process. Meditation, yoga, any manner of spiritual rituals and sage cleansings to try and help get my memories back. I had even gone so far as to getting higher than I ever remember being to try and trigger a memory or something but nothing worked. Without another brain scan I wouldn't know for sure that my brain was permanently messed up but I think the proof was in the fact that I couldn't remember a single piece of information from my time in Charming. My brain was damaged and I'd just have to move on with life minus the memories I lost.

The only thing I could say for the brain damage was that it didn't appear to be affecting my ability to make new memories. I could still remember everything that happened since I woke up in the hospital just fine and to continually prove that to myself I spent a little more time than necessary picturing Juice's face and his kind manner in my mind. It didn't surprise me as much as I thought it would to be thinking of my former fiance so much. The real surprise came a couple of weeks later.

My mom had planned a lunch with the new neighbors who had recently moved in and while putting the finishing touches on the dining room table and making sure everything was ready for lunch the doorbell rang. Mom assumed it was our lunch guests and told me to get the door for her while she finished up the salad she made, but when I went to open the door the mid-thirties couple I was expecting was instead replaced by a very haggard looking man in a leather vest.

"Juice?" I gasped a little, shock overtaking me and nearly shorting out my brain as I came to terms with the fact that my ex-fiance was standing on my front porch looking like a lost, homeless dog.

He looked like he had been run ragged. His hair had grown out, he had a slight mustache and goatee growing in, and he looked like he hadn't slept properly in weeks. There were bags under his eyes and the more he looked at me the redder his eyes got as he tried his hardest not to break down into tears at my doorstep.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, sounding more confused than I had hoped to come off. I couldn't really think of any real reason that would drive him to spend eight hours on his bike coming up here to see me, especially after he told me he'd support me leaving and respect that I didn't want anymore contact with anyone from Charming.

He just stared dejectedly at the welcome mat on the floor and shrugged his shoulders sadly. "I don't know what else to do." he practically whimpered. "I know... I know you said you didn't want contact with anyone anymore, and that you can't remember any of us, but I can't forget you Caity." He turned his saddened eyes upon my own and I felt a wave of all his sadness and loss. The pain of being alone for two and half months, the loss of watching the woman he loved walk out of his life with no intentions of ever returning, and the sting of that same woman calling him and his family a "bunch of criminals". The guilt that was now piling up on me was overwhelming as I continued to stare at him.

"I know you don't exactly think the best of my club, or me for being a part of it, but I'm completely lost without you." His voice took on a slight pleading tone, as if he were asking for forgiveness and I had an overwhelming urge to wrap him in a hug and attempt to make him feel better for even a moment. "Things might not ever be the same, you might not ever remember me or the time we spent together, but I can't ever forget them and all I want is one more chance to prove to you that I love you and I care about you more than anything else in the world. Just one more opportunity to prove my worth to you and if nothing else at least get to say a proper goodbye. Please."


	6. A Second Chance

We sat on the front steps together for awhile after that, just talking. Mostly me asking him why he had let me go so easily in the first place, why he hadn't come after me sooner if he was feeling this loss inside him, what had happened to the other two women who were attacked the same night as me, and, most importantly, what had become of the people who attacked us in the first place.

He calmly answered every question I had thrown at him, keeping a level head and answering them as honestly as he could. Explaining that he had let me go because it was what I wanted to do and he'd never been one to stand in the way of me doing whatever I wanted. He was the supportive type and didn't want to change that just because he was afraid of losing me. He didn't come after me immediately because he wanted to give me the space I needed to heal and hoped that if my memories came back so would I. Plus the club had been busy tracking down the people who had done this to me and the others.

"We took care of the problem." he had said, and it took everything I had to not read too much into that sentence and just hoped that they did something that wouldn't make me think any less of the Sons than I kind of still did. "The other women, Venus and Tara, are fine. No lasting damage with them, just a little bit of leftover paranoia but they're good. Mostly just worried about you. Especially Venus, you guys had been close."

I was happy to hear that they were okay but now it was time for me to get to another important question that had crossed my mind while he was talking. What had made him snap and finally come up here to track me down? After I asked and he sighed and opted to stare at his shoes for a moment before answering.

"I wasn't sleeping." he admitted. "I was barely eating, I was barely existing without you. The house feels empty and the clubhouse is just a sad reminder of that emptiness. I don't even find riding that fun now because I don't have you hanging on to the back of me anymore.

"I wanted to stay away to give you a chance to get your normal life back, but everyone else said I was being an idiot for giving up so easily and just letting you go. So after a few days of not being able to sleep and feeling completely hopeless, I decided I needed to do something. So I gassed up my bike and, well, now I'm here."

He looked up at me with half hopeful and apologetic eyes. I reached over to rest a hand on his thigh and gave him a reassuring squeeze before telling him, with a half joking tone, that he was an idiot for just giving up on someone he loved.

"But you're here now." I added as I saw his look go from hopeful to feeling stupid. "You came here when I never, ever thought you would." I shrugged a little. "Plus you're not such a bad guy on your own, pretty easy on the eyes too." That actually got a little chuckle out of him and it was nice to see him smile. 

It was easy to see him like this and want to give him that second chance to prove himself, and really was that too much for him to ask? He didn't want to jump right back in to a relationship and continue where we were, he just wanted a second chance to try and get me to fall in love with him again. And even if that didn't work out all he wants is a chance to say a proper goodbye to me, hopefully without last snide remarks at an airport at the end of it. How could anyone refuse such simple requests from a man who drove eight straight hours for you without any confirmation that I wouldn't slam the door in his face? He took a risk coming here, so I guess it was my turn to take a risk on him.


	7. It Feels Brand New to Me

"Have you ever met my mom?" I asked him after a minute or two of silence. He looked up at me with wide eyes and shook his head, saying we had never gotten the chance to come up here for a visit yet. We had planned on doing it after he proposed but other things kept getting in the way. "Would you like to meet her now?" I asked, holding out my hand for him to take.

He timidly slid his hand into mine, entwining our fingers and giving a shy sort of smile as I squeezed his hand and pulled us to our feet. My heart gave a little stutter as I led him back into the house and called out for my mom. She questioned if Brad and Caroline were here yet and I had to disappoint her by saying no.

"There's someone else here that I want you to meet though." I said as I led Juice through the living room to the kitchen where my mom was putting last minute touches on lunch.

She looked up from her work and looked very, very confused to see me holding hands with a man in a leather biker vest. She looked even more astounded as I introduced him as the man I had been engaged to in Charming and gave him an all knowing look as she noticed the grip he had on my hand, which was strong. As if I'd disappear into thin air if he let me go for even a second.

Then my mom launched into chastising me for "leaving such a good-looking man" behind and for the first time since I was a teenager my mom had successfully embarrassed me in front of a guy and I blushed pretty hard. Even with the blush though I looked over to Juice and had to agree with my mom on that one. He really was attractive, and even more so with a full head of that gorgeous black hair and his little bits of facial scruff. The first time around I could see that it was clearly his looks that cast the first line on our relationship.

Juice and my mom had gotten along famously after that, even leading to her inviting him to join us for lunch when our neighbors finally showed up. Even they seemed to like him too, after getting over their initial wariness at his bike and leather kutte. At the lunch table Juice and I had taken opposite sides, whether intentional or planned it worked out nicely. Mostly everyone had their attention on Juice, asking him where he came from and having him tell us all stories about what happened while I was living in Charming. It was nice to hear all these things but I noticed that the more Juice talked about our past the less he looked at everyone else. Even when conversations changed I could still see him looking at me.

He watched me laugh at a joke Brad had told, looked over his glass at me as I whispered something in Caroline's ear, and couldn't keep his eyes off me at all whenever it was my turn to contribute to the conversation. Though the same thing could be said about me, I couldn't hardly take my eyes off him for even a moment. I was enthralled by him, watching every move he made, trying to pick out something familiar, anything that might trigger a memory flashback of my previous life with him. Nothing ever came up but by the time I realized that it was too late to stop watching. He was beautiful and I was captivated.

I dropped the hope of a memory of any sort coming back to me and instead focused on making new memories with him, trying to see if I could reconcile the man I saw when I woke up in the hospital with the man I saw before me. They seemed like two completely different people. One a hardened biker criminal and the other a lost dog just trying to find his love. If I could make peace with the fact that they were the same exact man I might be able to deal with everything happening right now a little better.

Being around Juice without the pressures of Charming around us was fun and easy. He was a funny and sweet guy who seemed to care a lot about anybody within a fifty foot radius of him. When he was concerned about something someone had said you could tell that it wasn't an act to try to impress me because in those moments he paid attention to what was going on, not constantly checking my reaction to his words or actions. He offered to take a look at Brad's car when he mentioned it wasn't running right, said he could fix up the leaky faucet in my mom's guest bathroom, and even offered to take a package my mom had for her brother to the post office for her.

He offered me a ride along with him a he ran the appropriate errands to help everyone out and being on the back of his bike as he cruised through town was one of the best feelings in the world. It made me feel free and uninhibited and just a little reckless as the wind whipped my hair out behind me. The smell of Juice's leather vest only added to it as I wrapped my arms tighter around his torso and leaned my cheek against his shoulder.

After we got back to my house for the night Juice asked if I minded if he stayed in town for a few days, promptly adding that he'd get a hotel room to reduce on the awkwardness, and I had to control the slight heart murmur I got from the idea of him sticking around for longer before telling him I wouldn't mind seeing him for a bit longer.

"You're starting to like him again, aren't you?" my mom quipped after I told Juice goodnight and walked him out to his bike.

"Again." I repeated with a little laugh. "It feels brand new to me."


	8. Making a Move

Three days later and Juice was still in town and still working his magic on me and my heart. We had the best few days together and if everyday back in Charming had felt like this I could easily see how I fell for him so quickly.

I had worried that him being here for so long would get him in trouble with his club and I seemed to be right as I eavesdropped on a conversation he was having with the SAMCRO president, Jax.

"It's only been three days." Juice said, trying to keep his voice quiet presumably to avoid upsetting me. Apparently Jax was very impatient and upset with Juice for being away from home for so long, even if he was coming to visit the fiance he had lost to amnesia. I could tell that Juice was forever reluctant to admit that he'd eventually have to go back to his club and it made me smile a little despite myself.

He may have only been in town for a few days now but they were so full of fun and games I knew I'd miss him when he left. Getting reacquainted with Juice was pretty much the best thing that had happened to me since the attack and now that I knew him again I didn't want to lose that contact. Especially not after I had dragged him all over town showing him everything from my childhood. From the schools I went to, to the parks my friends and I spent our weekends at, and even the spot where I'd had my very first kiss when I was twelve. He was adorably sour concerning that last one but I found his jealousy to be pretty cute, especially considering he still referred to me as his fiance when he thought I wasn't paying attention.

"Well excuse me for trying to figure things out with the woman I want to spend the rest of my life loving, Jax!" I heard Juice say into his phone. His voice was raised and I figured he was upset enough with Jax to no longer care if I overheard or not. "I'm so sorry my fiance's brain trauma is putting a damper on your life!" he finished before taking the phone away from his face and slamming it shut. I almost thought he was going to break the small flip phone in half and just stared at him wide eyed as he walked back over to me. "He'd move heaven and hell to get his wife back if her memory was lost but god forbid I spend a few days trying to chase mine down."

I couldn't help but giggle like a child at the insinuation that I was his wife, but I also loved that fact that he was willing to stand up to not only his club but his club president just to stick around town with me for a few days to try and win me back. It was a sweet gesture and I just hoped that it was all worth it in the end, for the both of us.

I tried to reassure Juice that I would be okay if he decided to go back home, which he probably should before something bad happened but he wouldn't listen. He just told me that as long as I was willing to put up with him and put up with his request to get to know each other again he wasn't going anywhere. I teased that maybe I'd never want him to leave but even to me it sounded more like a plea than a teasing joke.

"Caity," he said. His voice soft, gentle, and full of so much love I had to squeeze my eyes shut for fear of seeing his face at that moment. I had to do something though, had to let him know that there was still a hope for us, that I had started to care for him again. To remind him that he wasn't crazy for doing this and that I wasn't just dragging him along to keep him away from his club.

Before I could think too hard about anything I took a deep breath, turned to face him again, grabbed his cheeks, and pulled him towards me until our lips met in a crushing kiss.

Kissing Juice was almost as exhilarating as riding on the back of his motorcycle. It made my cheeks flush, my heart pound, and left me gasping for breath when I realized I was sacrificing the health of my lungs to keep my lips connected with his.

"Wow." I gasped out, trying to control my body's reaction before I really embarrassed myself. "Was it always that intense?"

His wide-eyed reaction was almost answer enough but he still shook his head and replied. "Not even close." he stared at me, his eyes wide and full of a burning desire that wasn't there three minutes ago. "That was... Wow, that was something else."


	9. SAMCRO Side Hoe

That was definitely one hell of a "first" kiss and certainly not one I hoped to forget. It was a kiss that made me want more but my self-control told me that anything more right now would be an overload and just lead to regret later on. He seemed to agree with my unspoken worries and readjusted himself to where he was a few more inches away from me than before, and we both kept our hands to ourselves after that. Instead we discussed the kind of arrangements he'd have to make back home to be able to spend more time here in my home town with me.

It was nice to know that he was willing to leave his club and his own town to come try and work things out with me here. He wasn't going to try and drag me away from my comfort zone, he never even mentioned it, but he was more than happy to leave his own to be near me. I almost questioned his sanity at that point but I figured I should try to avoid anything that might make him change his mind and stay away, not that I really thought anything like that could happen but just as a precautionary measure I kept my mouth shut.

I figured that maybe one day I would be willing to travel back to Charming with him but for now I didn't want to go back and be stressfully bombarded by a hundred people who I couldn't remember who would all try to convince me that I was meant to be there with them and all the other crap I didn't need to put up with right now.

So Juice went back to Charming the next day, saying it should just be a quick trip to get more clothes and work out a proper system with the club so he could take some time off to come stay in Eugene for awhile. I hoped everything would go well for him but considering the phone conversation I had overheard between him and Jax the other day I knew my hopes were probably too high. Which was confirmed when Juice called me a day later.

"There's good news and bad news." he said. Those were never things I liked to hear because the bad news always negated the good news and everything just ended up being bad. I was afraid for him to continue but took a breath and told him to do so anyway. "The good news is that Jax is willing to chill out and let me come back to you for awhile."

"Buuut...?" I prodded, knowing I full well wouldn't like the condition that was put forth for him.

"But we have some club business to take care of first and it's probably going to take a couple of weeks." he finished, sounding just as disappointed as I felt in that moment.

I should have known that the conditions would have included more than just a few days of "club business" but I didn't think it would actually consume weeks of time. That, added to the fact that I didn't trust Jax at all and had the feeling that this club business was just some sort of ploy to try and keep Juice away from me and close to the club. It might be a rude sort of judgement to pass on a man I don't ever remember meeting but he did seem like that kind of selfish prick since he had already called to bitch at Juice for coming to see me in the first place.

It brought up a good question though: whether I was willing to take Juice as he was, a member of SAMCRO, or not. Could I deal with that? Could I handle a man who surrendered control of his life to a motorcycle club with illegal dealings? What would happen if we got back together but he was still in the club? Would he expect me to move back to Charming? Would he be cool with just leaving me whenever Jax called and staying gone for who knows how long? Maybe not even coming back at all since clearly the club attracted dangerous and violent enemies.

For the first time since leaving Charming I could add something to the list of reasons why I hated the Sons of Anarchy. Not only did they nearly get me killed but they were so life controlling and demanding it was insane. Being a member of that club meant you were supposed to drop every other thing in every aspect of your life and come running to please their all powerful president. The more I thought of all the negative and bad things that could and probably would come from SAMCRO the more I wanted absolutely no connection to them at all. I wanted nothing to do with things that had ever set foot on SAMCRO property. I didn't need all the bullshit dragging me down, back through that path of hell. I couldn't do it.

As a result I just started crying. Clutching my cell phone as everything flooded over me again. Crying even harder when I thought about the fact that I'd have to straighten up and tell Juice to just forget about us. He had to stay in Charming and keep all that SAMCRO bullshit to himself. I wouldn't give him the ultimatum of choosing me or his club, but I also couldn't live with the alternative of having him be controlled by that club. So I took myself out of the equation. I decided that my own safety and sanity was far above the importance of any possible relationship Juice and I could have. I wouldn't be the other woman to SAMCRO.

"I can't..." I sobbed into the phone. Juice tried to call my name, to say something else, possibly to defend himself or say that everything would work out in the end but I couldn't let him continue. "I'm sorry." I said, wiping tears from my cheeks. "I can't do this. I won't be roped back into the club I left. I won't try to make things work with a man who's life is controlled by something other than his own will. I'm sorry." I said again before hanging up and letting the sobs rock my body until it was sore.

I hadn't realized how high my hopes had gotten while Juice was here but now that he was back in SAMCRO territory where their influence was even stronger over him I felt like a complete idiot for thinking things might work out in my favor. I even felt like an idiot now for crying over the loss of potential, but what could I do about it? All I could do was let the sobs work their way out and then work on moving on with my life. Work on forgetting SAMCRO and Juice, and just better myself and go forward.


	10. Schrodinger's Biker

The next few days after that were hard, I had been dragging a near literal gloomy cloud around with me everywhere. It wasn't what I had mean to do, but I guess I had already gotten so engrossed in Juice that being without him now brought an empty feeling to my chest. I almost wished I could go back to before he came but I don't think, even now, that I would trade any of our time together for peace. I did know that I had to make a change in my life though, something to get me out of the house more before I turned into Bella Swan 2.0 and slumped around life like a robotic zombie.

So I decided to put everything behind me, the memory loss, Juice, the sadness over losing nearly two years of my memory, all of it. I got out there and I hooked up with a couple old friends, got back into facebook and opened an instagram account and joined a dating/friend app to make more connections with people and keep myself occupied with fun things. I started to put in job applications to almost every place I saw that was hiring and just went about my life trying my hardest to pretend that Juice had never existed in it.

Another two months had gone by and my life had been pretty fulfilling, even though there was still plenty of rejection to go around. I failed out of two job interviews because there was always someone better qualified sneaking in behind me, plus I didn't know if I had any job experience over the last two years to use to make my resume look any better and it's not like the memory loss was any sort of leverage for a sympathizer. I just told people I took off work to travel a little and tried to move on from the subject quickly.

Then there were a few failed tinder dates under my belt as well. One guy had messaged me seeming to be a decent guy but the second I met up with him he turned out to be a horrible misogynist who just wouldn't stop talking about "reverse sexism" and how "women have it so much easier" and after fifteen minutes I had to secret text my mom to fake an emergency to get me out of it. Then there was another guy who was as white as the flour I put in my pancakes and refused to stop using the n-word in lieu of a formal greeting to friends or anyone he saw on the street. I was baffled by his blatant racism and his excuse for using it was "black people use it so why can't I?" The last one was a woman who had walked out on me the second I mentioned an ex-boyfriend and I silently regretted stepping outside my comfort zone to go out with a woman, but tried not to hold that against the others.

In the end though I was still happy with the way my life had been going. I wasn't constantly turning my head every time I heard a motorcycle, I didn't immediately think of Juice whenever I saw a leather jacket, and I stopped hoping it was him every time my phone rang. I was moving forward with my life and the only time Juice ever crossed my mind was when I was hoping he was happy with his choices. Or whenever a friend unhelpfully brought him up in conversation, or someone who even sounded like him.

"Oh my god," my new friend Sara gasped as she looked around the street. "I love a man on a motorcycle."

It had been awhile longer in my journey to a happy life and I had finally gotten a job at a local diner, but today was a day that I had off and I decided to spend it with a friend shopping around the city. Sara and I had spent the morning browsing through small time shops and we were on our way to get lunch before heading to the real mall in town.

Sara took the walking time to do one of her favorite hobbies: checking out guys. She was definitely the boy crazy type and if I had a dollar for every time she called a guy good looking in anyway I would probably have enough money to never work again. It was usually only hard to deal with when she pointed out a guy who reminded me of Juice, like a guy in a leather jacket or one on a motorcycle.

I went to tease her about her boy crazy attitude but she stopped me before I could. "No girl, you have to look at this one first. Then you'll forget your complaints because he is fine as hell." I rolled my eyes but looked down the street to where she was pointing anyway. About half a block down the road there was a man sitting on the back of a dark blue Harley Dyna.

I froze in place. I recognized that bike. I knew the look of it, the feel of it under my jeans, the roar of the engine between my legs as I cruised down the road straddling the back of it and the driver in front of me. I remembered the reaper design scrawled on the gas tank, which was now only a memory as the tank was buffed out and repainted to match the rest of the bike. I was afraid to look any more though, afraid to let my eyes wander to the man sitting on the back of it and unwilling to prove myself right or wrong. The driver was now Schrodinger's Biker and I didn't want to find out the outcome.


	11. 'He's not wearing a kutte.'

Eventually Sara's mutterings about the way the man looked made up my mind for me and I had to look. Had to force my eyes up the jean covered legs and discover the rest of his body and confirm his identity. He looked exactly the same as he had the last time he was here. Full head of thick black hair, light signs of facial hair that added a gentle edge to his baby-faced look, and now there was a set of dark sunglasses hiding his chocolate eyes as he talked animatedly with a man stopped on the sidewalk looking at the Dyna like she was a cheap hooker and he had a spare $20. My heart started pounding in my chest and I'm surprised everyone in a five foot radius couldn't hear it.

"He's not wearing a kutte." I muttered after giving him another once over and realizing what was different about him this time.

Men in motorcycle clubs practically never took off their kuttes, unless ordered to by law. In fact every picture I had ever seen of any guy in an MC had them wearing their club's colors. They were sometimes worn out, weather beaten, and falling apart but still gracing the backs of their riders. Yet here was a known motorcycle club member looking as bare backed as a ten year old. I was instantly confused and then very, very worried about what could have possibly happened to him back in Charming to have him sitting here now without a kutte on.

Sara asked me what I was muttering about but I ignored her and instead took off down the street, ignoring her protests as she called me crazy for just going up to a guy on a bike like this world wasn't full of crazy killers. I didn't stop until I was standing right in front of Juice though. For a second he nearly jumped out of his skin as I appeared in front of him.

We were both pretty shocked, him because I seemingly appeared out of nowhere in front of him and me because I thought I'd never see him again. I was annoyed and hurt, I had told him I couldn't do this, basically told him to stay away from me because I couldn't handle his over-controlling biker club and yet here he was. Standing before me looking better than he ever had a right to look. He took his sunglasses off and slid one arm into the pocket of his shirt, then before I could collect my thoughts enough to yell at him or tell him to go home or even ask what the hell he was doing here he pulled me against his chest and kissed me with a such a fervent need you'd think he was on the brink of death without my lips.

"What are you doing here?" I asked when we finally pulled apart, trying to hide the slight gasp in my voice. "And where's your kutte? Tell me you didn't do something stupid." I pleaded, choosing to completely ignore the fact that I had just been given the best kiss of my life and get down to business.

"I didn't do something stupid." he said, but it didn't sound all that sincere. Just like a slight mockery of pleasing me. I hit him in the shoulder and told him to stop trying to be cute and tell me what happened because he couldn't just show up back here after three and a half months of being away, kiss me like the world was on fire, and think that was okay. "Alright then," he started again. reaching out to grab my hands. "How about this: you join me for a lunch date and I'll tell you everything that happened after I left."

It was an unfair and dirty trick to play and I couldn't quite decide if it was just for the joke or if he really wouldn't tell me anything unless I went to lunch with him. His face was a mask and I couldn't read him properly, which was annoying because I could usually read anyone that walked by; it was one of my waitressing skills to tell when a customer was going to be troublesome or not. Either way I sighed and told him I was out with a friend, but when I looked around me to try and locate Sara she was gone. Instead there was a text on my phone from her: "Fam emergency, g2g. c u l8r"

"I hate text talk," I mumbled, sliding my phone back into my pocket. "I guess I'm free then, Sara had to leave."

"Her loss, I would have invited her along, too." he smiled, holding out a bent arm for me to take. "Shall we?"


	12. An Explanation

I linked my arm around his and he lead us down the road another half block or so to the sidewalk cafe Sara and I had been planning on eating lunch at. I laughed at the coincidence and Juice just claimed that great minds thought alike. Either that or he remembered me saying this was one of my favorite little places to have lunch, but I kept that little tidbit to myself. I didn't need to give him another chance to be cute or romantic since I was still partially recovering from that unexpected kiss.

After we asked for a table for two outside the hostess took us to a table in the back corner, away from the other couples. Juice pulled out my chair for me then took the one on the opposite side of the table, looking annoyed that there hadn't been a seat next to mine with such a small table. After a waitress walked away with our drink orders I got the nerve to ask him if he really wouldn't have told me what happened if I had denied his lunch invitation. He just smiled coyly at me.

"Would you really have denied it?" he asked, raising up his menus to cover everything but his eyes. I could still tell he was smirking though by the slant of his eyebrows and I gently kicked him under the table. He just laughed. "That's what I thought."

It wasn't fair that he knew exactly how to act to make sure I wouldn't get seriously mad at him. He had the right amounts of charm, snark, and good looks to make sure he got away with everything and I cursed my own predictability at actually letting him get away with it. I had to at least make an attempt to show him it was going to be more difficult than just coming back to win me over again.

We had idle chit chat about the day I had so far, his trip back up to Oregon, and a little bit about my friend Sara while we waited for someone to come take our lunch order, after that the real conversation could begin and I immediately told him to spill his guts.

"Well, when I headed back to Charming I had every intention of packing a bag, telling Jax what was going on, and coming right back here." He began. "I wanted it to be a quick turn around trip, maybe just a day or two in town before heading out again." That was believable, he did seem like he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible before he left. The miracle was actually that he left because he was very reluctant to get on his bike that day and drive off, at first I had thought he was just trying to get as many goodbye kisses out of me as he could but then I realized he wasn't even getting any of those so it was truly just my company that made him want to stay.

"Unfortunately the club had fallen into bad business again while I was gone and Jax said they needed my help to clear it all up. He claimed to have been perfectly okay with me coming back to you, but something in his eyes told me that was the farthest thing from the truth." I knew Jax Teller sounded like a controlling asshole the first time I heard Juice talking on the phone to him. I didn't know him at all and even I didn't trust him. "But I still stayed to help get the club out of trouble. I figured if I played a role in helping them out Jax would be a little more grateful and give me the time away I needed.

"Everything gets cleaned up, I play my part and start thinking that this is the perfect time to get up and ask for the time away." he pauses for a second to take drink of his soda and I get a little fearful and antsy to hear the next part. "But now all of a sudden Jax is saying I can't go because they 'need' me at the club and needed me to stay in Charming. Then he starts going off about how coming back here is just pointless and a waste of my time, and his favorite phrase through that argument was 'she doesn't even remember you, bro'. As if calling me 'bro' was going to magically make me forget about the woman who spent nearly a year calling me 'baby' and other things I'm polite enough to not mention in a public setting."

The glint in his eye was undeniably sexual and it made my face heat up to ten shades of red trying too hard not to think about the kind of kinky things that had come from my mouth while in his bedroom. I silently hoped it wasn't as bad as I thought and he continued his tale. "We continued to argue and the whole thing took about forty minutes. In the end I just gave up though, I told him I'd stick around or awhile longer. He finally shut up and I felt like the worlds biggest asshole for caving to him like that, but you had already said you couldn't be roped back into that life so I figured that maybe if I stayed you'd have a real opportunity to move on and better your life." He shrugged a little and the gesture was about as sad as a person could get, it made me feel bad and I hadn't done anything to him.

"But everything still sucked pretty bad. I was miserable without you. When I wasn't working overtime at the garage to keep my mind off everything, I was sitting on the couch at home doing nothing but drowning in the memories and loss of you. I'd get called to the clubhouse on business and show up out of forced habit rather my actually want to be there. Everyone else noticed that I had turned into a bit of a mindless zombie but still, Jax didn't care. I was exactly where he wanted me to be and my own emotional state meant little to him.

"I put up with that for as long as I could stomach it, but eventually I snapped. Snapped right in the middle of an important club meeting and stood up to say I couldn't do it anymore. Most of the guys understood, a few had even been trying to encourage me to stand up to Jax and come back to you sooner. But Jax," he shook his head solemnly, his expression coated in a mixture of exhaustion and utter disbelief over whatever Jax Teller had said to him. "He still tried to bring up the fact that you didn't remember me, as if that somehow would make my own emptiness better. 'Oh, she's fine because she can't remember you so you should pretend the same an act like half your life wasn't ripped away from you'. I went all out on him.

"Told him I didn't give a shit what you could or couldn't remember, reminded him that it was his club and his bullshit reasons that our Old Ladies were attacked, threw it in his face that his own wife could have been killed if it weren't for you, and straight up blamed the Sons for everything that happened. Blamed them for being the direct cause that made my fiance forget every second of our lives together and told him I would be damned if I let the Sons take anymore time away from me trying to work things out with the woman I love."

It was intense to watch him talk about this so passionately, to watch him talk about getting me back that way. To watch him not even blink or flinch as he said 'love' in the present tense. The true, powerful, and very much present tense love that he felt for me seeped into every word he spoke, every wave of his hand for emphasis, and in his entire demeanor when he mentioned trying to work things out with me. Then you could see the sadness and disappointment sink in as he fell back to remembering the cause of my attack and consequent brain damage and memory loss. He still hated himself for what happened and might have even hated himself for staying with the Sons for this long.


	13. Chapter 13

"That's when he thought he had a trump card." Juice continued. "He leaned forward real slow, because he's just a giant drama queen really," he added in an aside which made me laugh a little. "So he's all leaned forward and he goes 'look, bro, you gotta choose. You're either gonna stay here for this club, your family, or you're gonna leave to go chase down some chick who can't even remember your name.'

"He had this annoyingly smug look on his face, too." I assume the face Juice made just then was a poor mockery of the actual face Jax made. Juice ended up looking like a toddler mocking his mother while I'm sure Jax looked a little more refined. "Like he knew, for a fact, that I would never give up my club. I was too reliant on them, I admit that. I didn't like to be alone and the Sons had become my family. But the joke was on him." He looked up at me with such intensity I couldn't think straight, I put my utensils down, pausing my eating, and just looked back at him. I knew that this was the part of the story I had been waiting for, the part that would tell me exactly how he could be sitting here in front of me with no kutte on, talking shit about his club president without a care in the world.

"Now, there was a time in my life where I would have rather died than walk away from SAMCRO. I was so reliant on them for my own sanity that it was sad, almost pathetic even. But then, then you walked into my life." his eyes started to sparkle a little, and I wasn't sure if it was because of the actual love he felt for me or because he was holding back tears as he reached across the small table to hold one of my hands in both of his. "You made me a better person, you helped me become a stronger person. Someone who could survive on his own without the fear of being alone. So just imagine the look on Jax Teller's face when my reply was taking off my kutte, throwing it across the reaper table, and walking directly out of the room, and clubhouse."

My jaw dropped open and I just stared at him in amazement, my mind still processing what he said. What he meant. He unceremoniously threw away his club, his family, all for me. Didn't get a solid vote on being able to leave, or on getting out of the club, he just quit. Threw away everything to spite Jax Teller and came right back here to me. A small part of my mind was concerned with what would happen to him, and I, now that he was assumably an enemy to SAMCRO, but the bigger part of me was practically screaming with happiness and a fair bit of shock because he had chosen me. Had looked at the men he had called brothers for so many years and picked me over them.

I couldn't remember a single point in my life where I had been anyone's first priority like that. Then here comes this beautiful hearted man who loved me once before and continues to love me still, even though I can't remember a single moment of time with him, Every touch, every kiss, and every intimate moment we shared had been taken from my mind and still he was fighting for me. Stood up against the only family he had known just to come back to me. Somethings' spoke louder than memories, or words, and actions like this were certainly on that list.

"Oh my god." Was all I could manage to say. I was choked up, on the brink of tears, and couldn't think about anything other than the fact that out of all the people in the entire world, this amazing person wanted me. When I lost my memory he could have let the ties I cut drop and went and found someone else. Someone who could have accepted and lived with his choice to be in the Sons of Anarchy, someone who would have embraced the life of a biker outlaw and lived on the edge of suspense all her life. Instead he clung to those ties and did everything he could to knot them back together, he dropped everything and everyone he knew to follow after me. "I don't think I'm worth all this trouble." I admitted to him, sliding my hand out of his and into my lap. 

I looked at my plate for a long moment before finally turning my gaze back on him and when I did he looked about as offended as if I'd just made derogatory comments about his grandmother. Then his expression changed to disbelief as he realized I was serious about what I'd said. "You are worth everything, Caitlyn." he said, making me glad I was sitting down because hearing my name come from him in that tone of voice would have knocked me on my ass otherwise. "You are the person I've been living my life for, the one I was living my life with, and every second of everyday that I spent away from you felt empty. It all felt pointless and lonely without you in it. You are the light of my life and don't you ever think that anything I do is anything less than exactly what you deserve."

This, right here, is exactly what kept me in Charming despite all it's flaws and criminal gangs. Maybe I hated everything as much as I do now, the club, the endless violence, the illegal activities, and porn dealings. But I stayed because I had the pure and possibly insane love of a good man. Love could truly make you do some crazy things, like stay with a violent and criminal biker gang, or tell one to kiss your ass and I figured that of all the people I could have woken up engaged to Juice was by far the best option there was. Someone devoted, true, and honest about his intentions. Someone who's love could cure all doubt and who's will was as strong as steel cables.

It was insane to think about. To look at the devotion Juice had for me and not be able to remember a single emotion I had ever felt for him. But in that moment, sitting here at this little sidewalk cafe, I could look at Juice and feel something growing in my heart. Some little seed of love taking root and trying to grow up. It felt strange to feel something like that coming up all at once and I didn't know how to react to it. I knew it was far to crazy to say I loved him so soon but looking across at him I couldn't imagine a single person who could ever love me more, and that kind of thing really affected a person.

"You're insane." I finally said, trying to inconspicuously wipe the corner of my eye before a tear fell.

He just smiled and picked up his fork again. "No," he said. "It's much worse than that, I'm in love."


End file.
